please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
