Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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