no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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