i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
