Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
