Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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