I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
