There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
