WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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