using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
