Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Randomize
