I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
