my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Randomize
