I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
