My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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