I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
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