I think my vagina is haunted
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
