Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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