not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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