Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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