i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
