Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
