I heard we made out
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
