take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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