i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
