how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
