sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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