It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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