I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
