2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
