She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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