hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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