my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
