p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
