I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
