Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
