Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
