Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
your like the ambassador to my penis.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
