need another drink. this is the easiest way
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
