9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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