a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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