dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
