Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Randomize
