the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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