Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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