i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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