I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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