The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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