1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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