once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
