Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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