she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
