oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
