Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
