Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
