I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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