i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
